Written by Jac, dad to Eliza
I recently attended the Alfie Kohn lecture in Kirkland on Unconditional Parenting. Kohn argues that parents want children to grow up to be independent, free-thinking, happy people; and yet much of what passes as “good parenting” is really just coercing children to blindly comply with our wishes via bribery (sticker charts, $ for grades) or withdrawing our love (time-outs, smacking).
When we send a child to time-out, we are really focused on ourselves not the child’s needs (“I didn’t like your action, therefore you need to spend time alone crying”). Every time we “good job” a tidied room we are making the chore about us (“I’m happy, therefore you can be”). Adults believe we have to pick a parenting-style somewhere along this spectrum.
Kohn suggests this is a false dichotomy – we can instead choose to build authentic relationships with our children, consider their perspectives / wishes, and collaborate on their future. Learn more on his website, via one of his Oprah appearances, or through the Seattle Public Library (including a DVD of Kohn’s Unconditional Parenting lecture at Stanford).
Kohn also researches the US educational system – his What to look for in a classroom is a great cheat sheet to run through before choosing on a kindergarten.