by Amy (Mom of Arlo, 3-5’s)
“An impressive body of scientific research has shown that the more we reward people for doing something, the more they tend to lose interest in whatever they had to do to get the reward. Now the point isn’t to draw, to read, to think, to create – the point is to get the goody, whether it’s an ice cream, a sticker, or a ‘Good job!”
– Aflie Kohn
When our children do something wonderful, it feels natural to reward their accomplishment with a heartfelt “good job!” There is no question that children need to be recognized and to receive positive feedback at every age. However, as Kohn suggests, we now know much more about what type of feedback is most useful in nurturing a child’s sense of curiosity, confidence, and love of learning new (and especially challenging) things.
For example, Stanford psychologist Carol Dweck argues that how we praise students can greatly affect how successfully they learn. In a nutshell, her research has found that praising intelligence (“You’re so smart!”) implies that intelligence is either something you have or you don’t. However, praising students’ effort by “focusing on the strategies they use” and the “ways they are stretching themselves,” (“You’ve been working hard on this!”), emphasizes the process of learning while implying that intelligence is something that can be developed. Not surprisingly, the students in Dweck’s research who received praise for their efforts were more willing to take on more challenging tasks than those who were praised simply for their intelligence.*
As a middle school teacher, this is the type of research I’ve been steeped in for years. And yet, I still catch myself saying “Good job!” to my kids more often than I’d like. So what can we say instead? I thrive on concrete examples which is why I was so excited to find that Suzanne has taped up a poster at preschool offering exactly this. Whether you’ve seen the poster or not, I hope you find this list of ways to acknowledge, celebrate, and encourage our children’s efforts as helpful as I have
25 Ways to Encourage
Thank you for helping with…
It makes mornings/dinner/outings easier when you…thank you.
I really appreciate it when you…
We did it together!
Wow! You made a building/drawing/etc.
You did it on your own!
You did x and then y and worked it out.
You used lots of red paint/blocks/tape/etc.
You made it really big/small/colorful/complicated/etc.
That took you a long time and you did it!
How did you do that?
You did x, what will you do now?
Can you tell me about it?
What is your favorite part?
How did you think of that?
I really enjoy doing this with you.
I love watching you create/help your sister/play soccer/etc.
I’m so proud to be your mom/dad, every day, no matter what.
Look how happy your friend is when you share/help/smile/etc.
You kept going, even when it was hard.
You look so pleased to have done that!
You made x feel so pleased when you did that.
It makes you feel good when you do x.
Say nothing – just smile.
This list was taken from a blog post by Kate Fairlie @ picklebums.com
* For further reading on this subject, check out Dweck’s book Mindset, or this 2007 New York Times Magazine piece, “How Not to Talk to Your Kids: The Inverse Power of Praise”