by Amy (mom to Arlo, 3-5’s)
“One of the greatest gifts you can give your children is a strong relationship between the two of you.”
– John Gottman
Beth Goss, a Certified Gottman and NSC Parent Educator, began this most recent PAC lecture by asking the audience to describe the transition to parenthood. The responses ranged from “beautiful” and “life changing,” to “foggy,” “engulfing,” and “utterly exhausting.” There is no doubt that becoming a parent is a major transition and if you feel that this has put a strain on your relationship with your partner, you are not alone.
According to research conducted by The Gottman Institute, 67% of couples report a significant drop in relationship satisfaction in the first year following the birth of a child. However, rather than focusing on what couples were “doing wrong,” The Gottman Institute studied the other 33% (those who maintained or experienced increased relationship satisfaction) and identified specific strategies practiced by these “stay together” couples. While these approaches are examined in more detail in the Bringing Baby Home workshops that she teaches, Goss spent the bulk of her lecture exploring the following “reclaiming your relationship” strategies:
1) Ask Open-Ended Questions
- This creates dialogue
- Examples: What’s your ideal vacation? What do you want our life to be like in five years?
2) Express Appreciation and Respect
- Don’t think it, say it!
- Catch your partner doing something “right.”
- Accept the compliments your partner gives you.
3) Recognize and Respond to Bids for Connection
- We continually make “bids” for our partner’s attention/affection/conversation/support. These can be low-stakes (humor, excitement ) or high-stakes (emotional support, empathy, sex).
- When bids are met, they increase one’s “emotional bank account.”
4) Create a Positive Perspective
- Give each other the benefit of the doubt.
- Look for things that are going well.
5) Make Intimacy a Priority
- The basis for intimacy is establishing and maintaining an emotional connection.
- Look for non-sexual ways to be intimate.
- Don’t make sex the last “chore” of the day (try different times!).
- Plan regular couple time away from the kids.
6) Create Shared Meaning
- Move from “getting through the day” to planning long term.
- Recognize that how you/your partner were raised affects your life’s dreams, values and rituals.
- Conflict often stems from unfulfilled dreams and ideals.
- Create your own family rituals.
If you would like more information about the support offered and/or research conducted by The Gottman Institute, click here.