Hello Sandhurst Coop Families,
It was a pleasure and an honor getting to meet you all last week! Thank you all for the great questions. I truly wish we had more time together. My intention was to plant some seeds to help expand your awareness around emotions and how to help coach your children through challenges. Below you will find a recap, some practices and books and links for more information on emotion coaching and emotional communication. I have also included an article for dads at the bottom of this email!
RECAP:
The Five Steps to Emotion Coaching
- These critical steps have been developed to help us as parents work through issues with our kids.
- The steps are simple, but the application is what is hard-it has to be learned and practiced.
- It is easy for us as parents to “react” to our children. Instead we need to view it or reframe the experience and as a gift every time our child acts out or becomes emotional– when I feel like being reactive towards the I try to remind myself of the gift of teaching and intimacy I get to create with my child and the payoff.
- In order to be successful as an Emotion Coach it is imperative that you the parent are calm and mentally available.
1. Recognize lower intensity Emotions
2. Recognize this as a time to connect with child and for teaching
3. Listen Empathetically and validate your child’s feelings/experience
4. Help child to label their emotions
5. Set limits while problem solving (see below)
Five Steps to Problem Solving
1. Set Limits – feelings are not the problem, the behavior is the problem. Discuss limits with your partner so that you are coordinated in your parenting “Its okay to feel ___, its not okay to do____”
2. Identify Goals: Ask your child what he/she wants to accomplish – What did you want, what did you need? (Ex- are you trying to get my attention, the toy, do you want your sister to play with you, etc?)
3. Think of Solutions: Allow your child to brainstorm ideas. Help, but don’t take over. – “Do you want to know what other kids have tried?” Offer some suggestions – some kids …. ” or “what have you done before?” “remember the time when you….”
4. Evaluate the solutions based on your family values- “How would that work for you?” “What would happen if you tried________?”
5. Allow your CHILD to choose a solution. “What are you going to try now/next time this happens?”
It is equally important to know:
There are times when Emotion Coaching should NOT be used:
1) When you are in a hurry – you will not be effective, and it will probably make matters worse.
2) When you are out in public or with others and it may embarrass the child.
3) When safety is more important
4) When you are too upset to be effective at EC
5) When you need to address serious behaviors– stealing, hitting, etc (when safety is an issue)
6) When the emotion does not match the situation- crying when nothing really happened (example- child is tired or hungry)
Practices:
1) Notice low intensity emotions in your child and your emotional reactions to your child.
2) Practice at least one of the steps of emotion coaching
Remember, this is not about being perfect or doing it right. It is simply an opportunity to try new ways of responding and seeing what happens. This is a process and the more you practice some of the things we talked about the more it will come naturally. But it is work, and it takes time and LOTS or practice. But what I think you will find is that it is worth the investment in your child(ten), yourself, and the relationship that you want to create for your family. And it creates more space for fun, ease and joy!
Again, it was such a pleasure meeting with you last night. I really enjoyed our time together.
Warmly,
Melissa
Melissa Benaroya, LICSW Family Coaching and Education
www.GrowParenting.com
Resources:
Feeling Words to use beyond sad, happy and mad:
FEAR Afraid Timid Anxious Scared Worried Terrified Concerned Uneasy Nervous Timid Uncomfortable
ANGER Annoyed Crabby Cross Displeased Dissatisfied Frustrated Furious Jealous Mad Outraged Livid Envious
DISGUST Dislike Hate Loathing Contempt Repulsed by Sickened by
SADNESS Blue Dejected Despondent Disappointed Grieving Dismayed Miserable Regretful Sorry Unhappy Disheartened Despairing
EMBARRASSMENT Shame Humiliated Embarrassed Shy Awkward Nervous Self-conscious Unsure Uncomfortable
INTEREST Amused Excited Eager Engrossed Entertained Fascinated Involved Stimulated Attentive
HAPPINESS Delighted Elated Glad Grateful Loving Happy Pleased Proud Cheerful Joyful
FRUSTRATED
Helpful Books on Managing Emotions and Naming Emotions
Books for Children:
Sometimes I’m Bombaloo by R. Vail
When Sophie Gets Angry, by M. Bang
How are you Peeling? by, J. Effers & S. Freymann
The Way I Feel, by J. Cain
Big Feelings, by K. Varner
The Feelings Book, by T. Parr
Books for us About Helping our Children:
How To Listen So Kids Will Talk and Talk So Kids Will Listen by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish, 1999.
Dealing with Disappointment: Helping Kids Cope When Things Don’t Go Their Way by Elizabeth Crary, 2003.
The Highly Sensitive Child by Elaine Aaron, Ph.D., 2002.
Raising Your Spirited Child by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka, 1991.
Taming the Dragon in Your Child by Meg Eastman, Ph.D., 1994.
The Explosive Child by Ross Greene, Ph.D., 1998.
No More Misbehavin’: 38 Difficult Behaviors and How To Stop Them by Michele Borba, Ph.D. 2003.
Links/resources:
http://www.gottman.com/parenting/research/index.php
http://www.parentmap.com/content/view/1001/275/
https://www.parentmap.com/article/building-strong-father-and-child-bonds