Parents guide to iWANT

by Katie, (3-5’s Parent)

If I were ever to come face to face with the person who invented the idea of placing impulse items at child level in checkout lines, it might come to fisticuffs. If you’ve ever taken a child to a store you’ll recognize this conversation:

Child: (excitedly) Look! They have Skittles (or lego or funny socks or some other thing you don’t need)

Parent: (patiently) Leave that there. We’re not buying skittles today.

Child: (Begging as if it’s a glass of water and he/she’s parched) Please, please, please?!?! Can I please get some skittles? I really really want them!

Parent: (A little less patiently, and wondering how it is that anyone still writes check at the store anymore and silently willing them to write faster) No, not today. You don’t need skittles.

Child: (Begging is transitioning to whining) That’s not fair! I never get anything!

Parent: (Wondering how I managed to get in line behind the shopper with 1000 coupons yet again) Remember, you got to pick the cereal you wanted? So you actually did get something.

Child: (pouting, arms crossed) But I don’t want cereal. I want skittles (changes tactic back to begging) Please??? Please, please, please???

Parent: (Why do I ever bring my children to the store?!?) No, not today. Why don’t you help me unload our things from the basket onto the counter? (Great redirect, right?)

Child: (Bursts into tears) No! I don’t want to do that! I just want some skittles!!

This point in the scene is where I usually resolve to only ever order groceries on Amazon going forward. For me, as a mother, this is a symptom of a larger struggle I have in my parenting: How do I help my children to be more grateful and less greedy? This is a battle that we as parents face all year round, but it feels particularly overwhelming around the holidays because regardless of our own personal holiday observances our kids are bombarded with media message of “more”. It comes at them from every store front, every television ad, in the mail in the form of toy catalogs (thank you data analytics for helping Toys ‘r Us and Target know that kids live at my house *insert eye roll here*) blatantly proclaiming the message that they need a hatchimal or a paw patrol set. Before you know it all you’re hearing is “What am I going to get?” It’s almost impossible to shield them from it.

So how do we combat the “I wants” as I call them?

Say No – It seems so simple but sometimes it can be so hard to do. Sometimes you want to buy the package of skittles just to shut down the histrionics and we all give in occasionally, but saying no is teaching an important lesson of impulse control. We don’t always get things we want. It’s o.k. to sometimes feel disappointed and, in fact, it’s important to teach our children how to deal with disappointment. If you are finding your child is having a particularly difficult time with the “I wants” every time you go to the store it can be helpful to say the “no” ahead of time. In other words, set boundaries and expectations for when you are in the store. Ex. “Ok Sam, we’re going into Target to grab some milk and toilet paper, but we’re not going to look at the toys today and we’re not going to be buying anything that isn’t on our list.”
Differentiate between want, need and enough – Helping children understand the difference between what they want and what they need also helps with impulse control. One way to have this discussion is to talk with your preschooler about what things we need vs. things we want: for example, we need food, shelter, clothes, and love. Wants are things like toys, or maybe special shoes or trips to special places. It’s also helpful to talk about what it means to have enough – I find this comes in play particularly between siblings. If you give two brothers each a bowl of cheerios you better believe one of them is going to say, “Hey! He got more than me!” If my son detects even the slightest disparity he is quick to point it out. My response – “Did you have enough? Is your belly full?” In other words, shift the focus from who has more to “Do I have enough?” I like to say, “You should only worry about what the other person has if the other person doesn’t have enough.”
Shift the focus to others – Most of us are incredibly fortunate: we have a house, cars, food, clothes – everything we need and many things that we want – and so I’ve found that it requires intentionality on my part to teach my children that theirs is, in many ways, a privileged existence. By no fault of their own, they take it for granted that everyone has everything they need and I feel it an important responsibility of mine as a mother to help them see the need all around them. As children grow older, the ways we can involve them in giving grows too. One idea is to make helper bags for panhandlers: a preschooler can help pack baggies of handwarmers, snack, socks or toiletries that can be shared with those in need. During the holidays there are many organizations that collect toys and other items for families in need. There are opportunities to help clean up in local parks. One of the wonderful advantages of living in a large city in Seattle is that there are so many ways to give back, so it’s easy to find something that fits your family! The important thing is to get kids involved in giving; it is a powerful tool for teaching empathy, for empowering them to help others, and teaching an appreciation for all of the things and people that surround them.

Of course, teaching self-control and boundaries when it comes to the “I wants” is always a work in progress. Even as an adult there are moments where I could use greater impulse control when it comes to buying things – I have to ask myself, “do I really need that new pair of shoes?” There are moments when I’m no better than the 4 year old in the check-out lane that really wants those skittles. However, I believe that with intentionality and tenacity that I can help my children grow into adults capable of compassion, self-control, and self regulation.

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